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Saturday, April 02, 2005

Feeling depressed..?

Today has been the 6th time I went to KKIA.
These last few weeks was dreadful. I mean, UMS is like a ghost town. There's virtually no people in sight, no busses, less cars, basically its kinda deserted. I guess you can't blame them. Holidays have started almost two weeks now, and this week concludes the submissions of our final year thesis. A majority of us third year students have already passed up our last revised copies; leaving only the Biotech programme pending for lecturer signatures till yesterday.
So it's rather undismissable that most of my friends will be leaving; and being the soft-emotional person I am, I felt the obligation of saying my goodbyes to all my collegues. Of course we already had a farewell picnic in Pantai Dalit (which I am so proud of partly organising) and it ended with quite a blast but somehow it wasn't enough. In a way the picnic made the separation harder. Myself and my biotech collegues clicked more than before, and therefore we were more intensely connected emotionally. I sent Fadil last Saturday, followed by a string of other great friends. I lost count yesterday when I sent Azura and Peja off at around late afternoon. I'm kinda busy these few days, of which I balance my daily proceedings for Korean sponsorship matters and some bureaucratic craps. So in between I try to make an account of sending off my friends to the airport. And must I say that it got even worse by every goodbye. I mean, it's kinda sad being left but I hurts so much more knowing that after that last wave to them at the departure gate you'll frankly won't be able to see them again. Well, not for at least till September anyways, when we'll have our convocation. Top that with mountains and mountains of workload, that of printing the final revised copies of my thesis, getting signatures, meeting deadlines and appointments with the dean, future sponsors and even those people in high places (if you get where I'm going at). So mentally it's very depriving and over the span of the last few days my only sources of encouragement were my family, Azfar and my sweetheart. But alas, nothing seems to stick the way they are nowadays.
Today is by far the climax at which I feel the upmost down in the dumps. Today, I proclaim to myself to be the most depressing day of my life; and it broke up in the very early hours of the day. Afzar spent the night at my place, regarding that his connecting flight back to Kedah was at 7.50am. Sending him off was rather difficult - he was the closest person I had besides Fifah in Biotech, and knowing that my right hand would be leaving me alone is not at all pleasing. We parted off with the best wishes for each other, and I'm kinda glad that both of us sucked every emotion in. I'm sure it was as emotional for him as it was for me. Straight after sending him off (this would have been maybe my 9th visit to KKIA) I rushed to UMS to get Ismak's stuffs. Ismak left KK on Thursday; she was so occupied with her thesis that she hadn't the time to post her stuff back through pos laju. So she inquired for my assistance. Again, it's really hard for me to see a friend in grief so I acknowledged. Having loaded all her stuff into my car; with the efforts of a very tired-sleepy-frustrated Nafa, which I really salute for being so patient and forgiving, I went straight back home. Oh, and on the way I fetched Ida, who was on her way to KK. She'd left later that evening so she wanted to have a last visit to town. God those busses in UMS are really rare these days.
The depressions of the day were just starting to take its toll on me.
Fifah's flight was at 3.45pm. Yep, she's leaving for IMR this afternoon. So now you guys would understand of why today was so hard for me. I managed to go to her house around 3.10pm, after Friday prayers. It's quite coincidentally lucky that I went to her house as her dad was off at the police station and they didn't have any means to the airport at the moment. Well, Yam was also there; she's also leaving for KL on the same flight as Fifah was. Both Fifah and me spent most of the time together, so being away from each other even for a few days can be really hard for the both of us. Forgive me for being so cheesy but I guess you won't understand the degree of how much you can miss someone special unless you're in a realtionship right? And so we arrived at the airport, with a few minutes till flight boarding and said our last goodbyes. I mean, not our last, but the last goodbye that'll be the longest before another hi. The emotions didn't begin to step in initially, but as she entered the departure hall pass the immigration counters, it was hard not the be swept into tears. By saying this I don't mean me weeping like a little crybaby but rather it really hit you that this is THE moment. The moment that you're left alone for yourself. I took the liberty of calling her on her hp and we had those I-can-see-you-can-see-me-on-the-phone conversations. There she wept as I tried to suck it all in, well being the alpha male I was trying to be of course. We ended our conversation there with a loving goodbye; knowing that we'll see each other in no time, and that the span of time by which we were away from each other will fly by in no time.
There's a considerable share of moments that occured during my time sending off my fellow collegues. Those kinda problems where it should not occur but still occured, like forgetting to bring your passport, or not having enough cash to pay extra luggage, and even having water splashed all over your face in the toilet. It was rather a memorable sight. The most usual situation during this phase will have to be the excess baggages my collegues had. And most of them still encountered this problem even after sending off most of their stuff through pos laju. Mama As had an astonishing 60kgs of excess luggage, that after sending off almost 80kgs of her stuff through pos laju. Not to mention Feeza, with her 80kgs of pos laju stuff. Well let me just say that these kinda stuff only happens once in a while, and before you know it these'll be something to laugh about in the future. All in all eventhough it was a very mentally challenging week for me, most of the time feeling miserable especially today - I can't ask for much better, and that these experiences will forever be embedded in my memories.
I love all my friends, and I wish them all the best in their future expeditions and the more recently upcoming industrial trainings....
I'm juggling my emotions right now, as I type each and every word concluding today's blog. I'm so sorry for not posting any pictures at the moment - I'm strenously using internet connections out of the valors of my own home and so uploading pics are not of privelledge to me anymore. Alas, this is be reckoned with in time. Thank God Andi's still here. At least I still have him to spend my time with, at least till I leave for Korea next week.
Fifah, being the ever sweetheart that she is composed a very lovely slideshow movie presentation for me when she left. It depicts the pictures we took together, masterfully mixed with the backgrounds of Ruffedge's soothing Bila Rindu's melody. This movie didn't actually made me feel better - it made me feel more depressed. But it made me think of her more, and thinking of her is none at all bad to my very own liking.
It's gonna be tough for me now - but it's gonna be tougher once I step out of Malaysia into the depths of Korea. I guess life must go on, and that these kinda phases either makes or breaks a man. Hopefully we'll make it through alive and sane. Wish me luck children!
-JeP
P/S : My cute lovable five kittens died a few days back, which contributed to me feeling more depressed, but thats another story worth sharing later. At least when I'm ready to. Que sera sera.

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