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Friday, July 31, 2009

"The one with our last few conversations Part 1.."

Someone once had told me; that one measure of finding closure - is the ability to be able to live under the silhouette of another's limelight.

Let's be frank with ourselves now, shall we?

When was the last time you passed congratulations to a rival - for an achievement that you felt you're more inclined of getting? Or pat the back of a person much inferior to yourself - for doing something so mediocre, that you think you'd be able to perform so much better? Or maybe even bestow praise upon someone for a small ordinary gesture, perhaps?

This is one question I haven't the answer I'd hope I would have. And that reality stands erect, as a solemn reminder, testament to dignify that I am indeed just a humble human being - whom is far astray from being perfectly divine. Most of us fall prey into thinking of ourselves as false idols, in the conjunction of our own ego and self-narcissism but far from the pessimistic truth - that we are only as superior as opposed to our own measure of humility. As mere mortals, the human mind finds it rather difficult to fathom others as equals on first perception, but instead leads itself to believe upon a whispering noble lie that someone is of a lesser value; until he/she proves their own worth. Almost a decree on its own, I guess that's just human nature for self-preservation; we need to think the best of ourselves in order to evolve - for confidence is foremost a prerequisite upon all achievements.

But that's just the irony, the punchline. There's always someone far better off than ourselves, if not in direct contact. There's always someone that knows more; does something better; afflicts more envy; and commands more respect, than yours truly. History harbors unconditional examples, that tumultuous fact - we learn more with our mouths closed, but our eyes open. We absorb more when our ears are coherent; our minds flamboyant. I have fallen prey to keeping these senses at abrupt numbness, and often asunder from not knowing.

I would definitely like to believe upon the notion; that no matter how lavish we live, how spellbinding our skills may be, how articulate our knowledge, or even how physically endowed we are - these characteristics are possessions of ours which are not requirements, but instead blessings. God, I believe is fair; everyone is sculptured of the same concoction of intelligence, happiness, grief, pain and endurance. Our talents are God's gift to us, but indefinitely how we make use of them - is our gift back to Him.

I still remember, like it was just yesterday.

"Jep, awak nanti dah berjaya esok jangan nak menyombong, ingat mama papa tu - solat jangan tinggal-tinggal...doakan dia, doakan aki-wan ni."

"InsyaAllah, wan."

"Kalau Tuhan nak tarik balik semua yang Dia bagi kat awak, senang sangat. Ingat, semua yang awak ada ni - anugerah dari Dia. Bukan untuk berlagak, tapi untuk ingatkan awak tu, yang Tuhan tu Maha Kuasa..."

I still remember.

These words of hers; an advice that echoes ever so vividly within the embrace of my memories. More worthy for compensation of the times we had shared, in those penultimate months leading onto her final passing. We've shared many conversations, and passed many remarks on a lot of things. Like my parents, she holds me at my roots - reminding me that I am not that great at all. Reminding me, that my winding road still has quite a journey to convey on, and learn a thing or two along the way.

My dear grandmother, in her final days - I miss her very much, in every passing day that she's no longer around to share stories with.

The stories we shared; the things she has said; her last final words. Only the two of us, within the corners of those four hospital ward walls. I feel compelled to share these, of forbearance for almost two years. There are a number more, but that's another time - another tale.

Probably it is, that in the end; we finally start reminding ourselves - of how it all started.



Anonymous said...

Assalamualaikum wbth,

I agree.. I miss her very much too. I always look forward to my telephone conversations with her. We talk about practically everything. We dont bore ourselves with just asking about our health...our usually 20 to 30 minutes conversation varies from the latest pinggan mangkok that she has bought, aki's latest antics, and off course to updates on her grandchildren. She is the best! mom.

Anonymous said...

i miss her a lot too...