"The one with the different Raya..."

Raya has been long gone. I think. This time it's light dims fast. Tough year, but there's much to be thankful for. There's as much fun to treasure as it has much to feel sad about. But one thing's for sure - it goes by very quickly this year that I'd lost grapple of the feelings you feel during these festivities. For once in my life, I'd felt that this 13th and 14th of October is just another day in the pages of the 2007 calendar.

Call me boring, call me blue, but call me pathetic, never do. Yes, it is fun celebrating the Eids. The culture remains the same; our routines remain the same. But the spirit seems to have lost its effect; like it's just another celebration we have annually. It was enormous fun having the family around once again; we had quite an elaborate nostalgic talk on raya eve. I enjoyed these sorta talks because we don't have these stuffs regularly, only when everyone gets together. It's a shame Afzal was not with us, but definitely was in spirit. We miss him dearly and I believe one day we'll have another of these talks - only this time we'll all be together again as as single unit.

Raya in Ipoh was fun nevertheless, much to eat and quite eventful as always. This year Dad was fit enough to drive so we'd venture through PLUS highway in two cars - mine with the kids and Andi while Mom strolled with Dad in style on the X-Trail. Many things had changed over this one year; relatives practically had grown up, Finas just recently gave birth to a wonderfully cute baby (with freakishly long feet, hehehe), MakLong's busy as heck arranging her own increasingly bigger family, MakTeh's moved into a new house and PakNdak's family getting used to their Ipoh house as their second (they've moved to KL but retained this house in Ipoh). So everything's quite fresh and this made our visit this time a bit interesting. We even had a family outing to Ipoh Parade; Me, Andi and Tiqah went for bowling while Mom and Aiysha went shopping. Dad? Patiently with us at the lanes. At least I felt that we were stronger as a family this year. All in all, it was a 'relaxingly' busy ordeal for all.

We left for Bentong a bit later than usual this year; which, to my suprise Mom didn't put up any fight to. I realized then of her actions as soon as we reached Aki's Rumah Murah Melayu. Mom has been keeping a lot of emotions locked inside of her, I believe. Mostly due to the fact that she didn't have anyone to talk to after Wan passed away and that surely showed as she broke into tears with PakTam hugging her. For some reason, I feel a bit empty entering this house, once full of humongous laugh and rants. But not this year. There're still those happy moments but you'd definitely feel the difference. It's just not the same. It's just not like those times before. It's.....awkwardly different.

We left for Raub shortly upon our arrival, spent some time visiting Wan's grave as well as the others nearby Aki Chu's house. It's hard to try and be cheerful when you're not only parrying your emotions inside; whilst your senses are concentrated towards a family that's stood faith-shattering odds smashing upon them. Kudos to Aki Chu who valiantly stride upfront against these challenges; not knowing what's still in store for the future but nobly looks on with sheer positiveness. Inside I wonder whether I could do the same - remain as strong and faithful if I was under the same struggles. What surprised me more was the extent of how much he influenced the stricken Wan Chu to be as cheerful, in the presence of masses long before strolled in with such poises of happiness and sheer ecstasy. Subhanallah.

I prayed for them ever since.

We said our farewells and laid track towards another familiar land; Wan We's. Nothing much to elaborate as I'm not really acquainted with them, but the visit involved many of us chatting and eating as usual. Aging gracefully, Wan We showed signs of mental relapses as well as partial amnesiac. A common trait when your age has caught up on yourself, suddenly it took my emotions back to when Wan was alive and bravely fighting her ordeals. Shortly after, we found ourselves heading back to Bentong where we spent the remaining hours of the day rekindling and talking, as well as setting up the traditional 'Kasino Raya' as I'd like to call it. For once in a very long time, I felt that enormous sense of fun and belonging.

It's been a very emotional Raya this year, if not slightly murmured by morbidity. It's refreshing as always, but scarred nonetheless. Of course next year will be different, as we reflect upon what we've gone through this year ahead of the year that awaits. The synapses recalling such empty thoughts are common, but nonetheless the spirit of Aidilfitri hangs as strong, optimistic in the air. We have many things to be thankful for, trampling things that we think we've lost. Failure to look past occupational perception, of something since all time was ours usually meant that we are blinded by our fractured emotions that heaved rationalism to a halt. In short, we focus more on things that are a loss than to realize the many that we had to gain.

And if anything, this Aidilfitri has thought me the valors and wisdom of growing up. Realizing that life's a temporary transversion before something much permanent, and we are but ashamed only by our actions and feelings. I know now that if we stop and look back at things we don't have (anymore), then we'd have nothing. But, if we take time to realize the things that we (still) have, then by totality we'd have everything.

"Sesuci Lebaran 1428H".

-JeP